Since I was a tiny little girl, I’ve always dreamed about the day when I would have my own little person, dreamed about being pregnant, the feeling of this life growing inside me, the joy that would fill both me and my husband, the look on his face when he first saw our child, working out whether they looked more like him or more like me…those dreams, like the picture above, feel a bit more fuzzy now.
Five years ago, my husband and I said our ‘I dos’ and embarked on the amazing adventure that marriage is, and an adventure it has been. Filled with so many wonderful memories, so much joy, so much hope. We decided to wait to have children, to just be able to enjoy each other and be free from responsibilities, besides we were still young!
After 2 1/2 years of marriage, we decided that it was time, time to start trying for a family. I went off the pill and the first 6 months passed in a blur, as we were also doing a lot of travelling at the time. When nothing had happened after 6 months, I started the investigations on how this whole fertility thing works, reading articles, taking my BBT every morning, downloading an app to track my fertility signs.
Another 6 months passed…and then another. We decided it was time to see a gynae. She examined me and diagnosed me with PCO (poly-cystic ovaries) and scheduled my husband for tests. His tests came back with great results, so I started a low-dose of Clomid for 3 months, after which my gynae said we would need to be move to a fertility specialist.
3 months passed and we took the really tough decision to make an appointment with a fertility specialist. While I hated being at the fertility clinic, the appointment was great, our specialist filled us with hope and helped us come up with a plan – HSG for me to check my tubes were fine (they were), blood tests to check that I was ovulating (I was) and then clomid medicated cycles with AI or IUI (insemination). He also happened to undiagnose me from PCO, saying that he didn’t see any signs of this in me.
After a lot of back and forth and prayer, we decided to go ahead with the IUI. Round 1 did not result in a pregnancy and so we took a knock emotionally and took 2 months off IUI. During the second off month, we decided to do a clomid cycle (because why not?) and after my period was a few days late, we took a test and found it to be positive. Unfortunately, this was not to be and 5 days after that positive test, I started bleeding and my pregnancy hormone levels dropped, a chemical pregnancy. While it was devastating, there were also glimmers of hope, this meant that all my systems had worked, even without IUI!
We did a few cycles of timed intercourse after that, lots of blood tests and not so romantic sex, but still found ourselves with negative pregnancy tests. So followed IUI round 2 – this also failed and so here we are, 2 1/2 years down the road, still hoping and praying for a baby.
I’m starting this blog because I feel that there is too much silence and shame around infertility. Since starting this journey I have found so many other women struggling with infertility, so many going through such a hard journey that I would not have known anything about had I not been on the same journey. I am hoping that this blog can be a space of safety, a place where others can know that they are not alone, a place of support for those on this journey as well as a place where those who are trying to understand this journey that people close to them are on, might find some insight.
You are not alone.